He Wants To Know Why Men Are Blamed For Everything

I’m going to start out by making a long story short. An acquaintance of mine, Hugo Scwhyzer, has resigned from his post of weekly columnist at The Good Men Project. That story, as I just said, is long, and I will not delve into the details here. I will say that one of the reasons why gender studies professor and feminist author and activist Hugo Scwhyzer stepped down is because as time went on he felt that his beliefs differed greatly from the ones of GMP creator Tom Matlack.

The Good Men Project is a great blogsite which allows men (and women) to speak about issues regarding men. It is a great space in which men can contribute their stories. I began reading it when I learned that Hugo had begun writing for them. He has stated before that he knows that the website is not completely feminist and he has not always agreed with everything Matlack has written within his own articles. Even, so he felt the website to be a useful tool.

I have not abandoned GMP completely. I still see the good that it does. I am also disappointed and discouraged as I had not known until now that Mr. Matlack is sexist. Hugo offered a thoughtful criticism to one of Matlack’s articles which was in the end denied by the GMP team.

A lot of attention was placed on one particular December article by Matlack entitled “Being a Dude is a Good Thing.” Below are excerpts from the article.

Why do men get blamed for everything? Well, the cynical response is, “because we can really be assholes sometimes.” I’m going to set aside gross acts of what I would call evil: rape, sex trafficking, murder, and felonies of pretty much any kind. I’m more interested in the petty shit that fills our day-to-day and ends up defining us normally imperfect human beings.

So are dudes as a gender really assholes?

If you look around in the press, on TV, and in popular culture you certainly might conclude that. Again, that was the whole point of starting the Good Men Project—to provide example after example of not perfect men but damn good ones.

 

I am not interested in the macro here. I really think the question comes down to the micro conversation. How do men in their own lives feel blamed? How do women view men not in general but in particular?

Here’s my theory, and it’s nothing but a theory. Men and women are different. Quite different in fact. But women would really like men to be more like them.

In the locker room, in the bathroom, on the walk out of the board room, in my conversations with men of all kinds, that’s what I hear more than anything. The resignation that to be a man is to be unacceptable at some level to the woman in your life.

When I read this my brain flooded with various thought and then they crisscrossed and sunk, and it took me a while to sort out the swampy mess. It was as if I were pulling out mossy green strings one by one and then hanging them over a line to dry.

Matlack is telling us that women will not let men be men. But the larger question has always been, “What does it mean to be a man?” I think that’s a lot of what The Good Men Project is about. That’s how I’ve always viewed it. The question about manhood and masculinity is an old question but a continuing one that exists within feminist circles.

I’ve said in many times before that one of the reasons that I am a feminist is because I love men so much. I get along better with men and as a heterosexual woman I seek out men as romantic partners. I interact with male co-workers, I have men in my family (whether I’m close to them or not is not important) and interact with male strangers as well. I have a male president, and have been assigned male congressmen. Males make up a lot of rules. Men embrace patriarchy and men push it away. Men do a lot and so, yes, I’m involved. Men mean a lot to me.

I think it is important for men to learn to love themselves. It’s hard enough for women to do this but I think in many ways men have an even more difficult time with this. Patriarchy does not allow it. And of course a man would be upset if he felt that the main woman in his life was to make it so he was more like her.

But I think it’s important to understand that women don’t necessarily want men to be like them. This is not to say it doesn’t happen, but let us not generalize here.

One close friend jokes, “When speaking to my wife I always make sure to look at the ground in deference. And I make sure not to make any sudden movements.” I’ve watched him. He loves his wife. One close friend jokes, “When speaking to my wife I always make sure to look at the ground in deference. And I make sure not to make any sudden movements.” I’ve watched him. He loves his wife.

So where does the blame come from?

My unscientific theory is from a fundamental disconnect between men and women at the micro level. Men know women are different. They think differently, they express emotion differently, they are motivated by different things, they think about sex differently, and they use a very different vocabulary.

Why can’t women accept men for who they really are? Is a good man more like a woman or more truly masculine?

So, what happened here? Men for so long have asked their women to submit to them and then when some no longer feel that they are the controllers they then feel that they are controlled? If you are a man who feels nagged by a girlfriend or wife, then there is a larger discussion to be had. It may be the relationship itself or perhaps it really is about personality. Even so, Matlack obviously favors the nature side of the argument rather than the nurture.

Masculinity is many things and it can be embraced in many different ways. Through my eyes I have seen many submit to the patriarchal machismo that frightens me so. It frightens me and disgusts me. It deflates me; I lose energy. It’s difficult to be around someone like that.

Disliking this kind of behavior is not an example of wanting to change men. I believe that the flare of machismo IS the change. Men, are born into a world in which the rules are set. The rules are strict and one little slip can have consequences. The consequences make the men “tougher.” I think it’s fair to say that the consequences create fear. A man doesn’t need to be quivering in his cowboy boots to experience fear.

Matlock goes on to say,

God knows as guys we can, at times, live up to the stereotype of knuckle-draggers looking to eat, fuck, drink, and sleep. In that order. We’ve been slow to reveal our inner thoughts and feeling. But again my pet theory is that this comes back to vocabulary. Emotional language has been so dominated by women that to talk about feelings is, at some level, to become female rather than macho.

I think that Matlock fails to trace things to the root. Emotional language has not been dominated by women. Women rarely dominate anything. Women are the one sex out of the two that have been taught to talk, rather than shout and fight. It is not as if women OWN emotional speak. In fact it is unfair to suggest that all women are able to express themselves well. Some keep their emotions buried, just as men can.  

So, to be able to talk is not a chick thing. Matlock is actually perpetuating the myth that men are “girls” if they share their emotions. I was hoping that the very founder of the GMP would understand the harm in shaming men for sharing. The GMP is about providing a space for men to talk and while some of the posts are not feminist in nature many are. Many are very touching, humbling and thought provoking. It’s not a space where men gather as if they were in a sports bar, laughing hardy while tossing back brewskies.

To steal from the GMP website, “The Good Men Project is a glimpse of what enlightened masculinity might look like in the 21st century,” the press raved when we launched. Finally, “a cerebral, new media alternative” to glossy men’s magazines. In fact, The Good Men Project is not so much a magazine as a social movement. We are fostering a national discussion centered around modern manhood and the question, “What does it mean to be a good man”

So Mr. Matlack, what is this resistance to talking about your feelings? Perhaps that question should fit into the equation. Talking about emotions is not a female thing, it is a human thing. It just so happens that under the rule of patriarchy (which has a bigger hold on you than you realize) men are not encouraged to speak up. And when they do, they are going against the grain. How upsetting it is to know that boys and men can be treated so disrespectfully by their peers for doing something human. If it doesn’t come naturally to you there may be reasons for that. Each person has to decide for themselves if what they do or don’t to is because of the distinct nature of our personality or biology or if it is because of outside influences. Often it is a combo platter of different things.

Men have it rough. They have to decide as to whether they want to go along with the patriarchal views that have kept them high in the ranks of leadership and respect from other males even though it comes with a price. Patriarchy not only hurts the women they love but it hurts themselves as they are unable to be authentic creatures. And authenticity doesn’t always mean that one must cry like a babbling brook 24/7. It means reaching a place of honesty regardless of who is around you. It’s not easy for anyone.

Sometimes it seems easier to ride along with patriarchy. If you are a man who is doing this, you aren’t alone. Most of the world has joined you.

One of the most interesting things about the Good Men Project is the readiness of women to talk about men. They are more than welcome here, but I still wonder why? Why such a passionate outcry by women about men?

I’ve probably done over a hundred talks by now about manhood. For the first couple years I would always say that my best audiences were women, boys (who are dying to know about manhood), and prisons (because the guys can’t leave).

But that has been changing recently. I spoke at the Boston Book Fair a few weeks back to a room of nearly a thousand. And for the first time I noticed more men than women.

It seems that the blame game in the mainstream, whether through the minimization of male life in pop culture or on television or through the continued obsession with men behaving badly, has finally struck a chord with the average guy. We are no longer willing to be blamed for being men. We are no longer willing to avert our gazes and stay silent about our feelings. We are raising our voices and telling our stories in our own male vocabulary.

 

To women, I assume the response is, “well, it’s about time.” But just remember when we talk it’s not going to sound like a women in a man’s body. It’s gonna be all dude. And you are just going to have to deal with that.

WHY? Matlock wishes to know why there is such a passionate outcry from women about men. I feel dumbfounded. I’d think that if he really had no idea he could simply click through many of the posts on his own website. But he seems to think that women truly wish to change men. So, perhaps his real question is, “Why do women want to change men?” In that case he is ignoring the words that actually came from his brain. He doesn’t really want to know why women take such issue with gender. He feels the need to defend himself.

I don’t want Matlock for feel like he’s pushed into a corner. I sincerely do not want him to feel like he cannot be who he is. But what he is missing is that patriarchy is the dominating force. It not only disallows men to present themselves in a humbling authentic manner but it also is a force that doesn’t let women be women either. Patriarchy wants women to look “sexy” and act “sexy.” So, I know a thing or two about how it feels to have some other entity wanting me to be different than who I am.

So, I sincerely do not want men to feel that they are blamed for everything and that women want them to be different than who they are. My argument is that men do need to take responsibility for a lot and that can happen without self-hatred. Additionally, I believe that allowing oneself to be more verbally expressive is not an act of changing WHO you are as a person. It’s about being rejecting laziness and rejecting fear and doing so by proving how authentic you can be.  

Men are powerful beings and they can wreck a lot of stuff. But men are beautiful beings and I feel blessed to exist besides men.

Eveylen Cunningham once wrote, “Women are the only oppressed group in our society that lives in intimate association with their oppressors.”

This is very telling. To want to make a relationship work with someone who shares a gender with many harming folks is a true testament to the love of men. To want a man to be more like me is an act of dominance and dominance is a patriarchal thing. I do not wish to dominate. I wish to share.

It is difficult to share a life with someone if they believe that emotions are my job and his are something else. That eloquently or not so eloquently expressing my feelings is enough to carry the relationship.

It is difficult to be in a relationship with someone who believes that they control the bedroom. Be it a man who believes that because they penetrate they are controlling the act of sex. Even if they feel they are controlling it in a loving way. That is not equality.

It is difficult to be in a relationship with a man who feels castrated when working for a female supervisor.

It is difficult to be in a relationship with a man who believes that his daughter is more fragile than his son.

It is difficult to be in a relationship with a man who opens the door for a women simply because she is a woman.

Not all of these experiences are mine and they may not be yours. But they do belong to some.

Everything that Matlock has expressed is anti-feminist. It is anti-woman, it is anti-man, it is anti-human.

Women are not perfect and it is very very important to understand that women can be sexist too. In fact it happens a lot. I am not presenting a wish for men to be perfect or to be replicas of me. I want equality; and while the word seems simple, it involves a lot more than most are prepared to deal with. If it were easy we’d be dancing upon this blue marble, free of a dominating and privileged source.

Mr. Matlack I am grateful for the space which you have created for countless men and women. We need more websites that offer this kind of tool.  But Tom I can see why Hugo left you.